A Reason for Grief
by Tadpoleinateacup
Summary: Harry's friends always wondered why he mourned Cedric so long, he explains it all.


_**This takes place years after the war and Harry is explaining (to himself? A journal? IDK?) why Cedric's death haunted him so much even months after it happened.**_

_**Not my usual pairing at ALL but I had read most of the other pairings I liked and I found I wanted to change things up. I read a lot of the Cedric x Harry available and found that they were mostly about the prefects bathroom ;) (Maybe I wasn't looking well enough for this kind of story) and I wanted something with a little more heartfelt emotion in it. So I came up with this little number. I hope you all enjoy it. **_

_**And of course J.K. owns all the characters and settings… I just like to borrow them and watch them squirm a little.**_

**A Reason for Grief**

My friends often wonder why Cedric's death affected me so much. They understand of course I had seen him die… literally watched as the light left his eyes right in front of me.

But they didn't know… not really… it was so much more than that.

I knew better than most, except maybe Fleur and Krum that this tournament meant more than glory. For those directly involved it meant mental and physical stress that could only be compared to what had promised to be Hermione during OWL's.

Those of us who were the 'Champions' knew that was just the fancy title story to cover up what we were to become during _that_. We were going to lose ourselves if we weren't careful; we were going to go crazy if we didn't let ourselves dwell on other things. I think it was the worst for Cedric in a lot of ways.

Cedric was the true Hogwarts champion I was just an add on…. I was Harry Potter up to his usual shenanigans. Sure, I was a 4th year doing what a 7th year could barely do, but Cedric had to do more… be more. If he failed his life would be forever burdened with the knowledge that in small ways he had let all those Hogwarts students down. If he lost to _me, _he would be the Hogwarts champion that lost to a fourth year.

And despite what was glossed over, it was even more. We were surrounded by horrible thoughts and tasks that seemed endless. We were being tortured and didn't even realize it ourselves. We were consumed with being the best… with _winning_, surviving! Nothing else seemed to matter.

That felt so true for so long, we were meant to win… but other things should still have mattered. I was happy to know that even if Cedric and I got side tracked from that for a while we found ourselves again.

I never told anyone this, after the day he died I didn't really want to remember it myself… but the night in the prefects bathroom was not spent alone.

Cedric had come, it had started off innocently enough, we discussed the egg, he was awed and… intrigued to find how quickly I figured out the clue when it had taken him hours. He couldn't believe I was going through with this. I guess no one really understood in the beginning that it had never even been a choice, let alone my own.

But, what had started off innocently, turned into more. Somewhere in my daze to fully understand the egg and the challenges, I broke. The pain of not only the tasks but the life I had lived and knew I would live flooded me like a tidal wave of horror. I had never expected what came next.

Cedric had slipped closer to me through the water and held me. Our naked bodies' touching was nothing. It didn't matter we were naked and holding each other tightly. When we were expressing the horrors of what we were to face this year that didn't seem to even be in the realm of knowledge. We were expressing ourselves to each other through our embrace and our tears.

Once I had let out all the pain I realized that being there with him was right… felt right. Being there with him, holding me, letting me cry… it was more than anyone else had ever given me, more than anyone else had ever cared.

We had spent the rest of the night forgetting the coming task in each other's bodies. We had spent the rest of his life forgetting the coming horrors with each other. It had never even been a discussion from that moment in the bathroom, it had been right. We were meant to help and love each other, be the peace that the other couldn't find anywhere else.

I realized in the end as I held his lifeless body in front of the entire school that why I was so upset when I was able to fully realize he was gone was because I was heartbroken.

For the first time in all my life I had found someone that to at least a small part understood what I was going through. He understood how I felt and made me feel for the first time that I truly didn't have to do it alone. He understood what I was feeling as we did the tasks, he understood what I wanted and what I needed _after_ the tasks.

For the first time I had someone I loved that had loved me back. And when Voldemort killed him, it was just another tally in the long list of lives and people Voldemort had taken from me and was going to take.

This was ever worse than the others on a certain level, because what I hadn't realized until I was crying over Cedric was that I had been loved in a way that was purely out of a desire to love _me_, not the-boy-who-lived… just Harry.

Sirius and Remus loved me of course, I never doubted that… but I always felt like it was more out of respect for my parents or instead of my parents. Hermione and Ron love me, but I felt as if it was one of those 'there is no use turning back now' kind of affections.

No, for the first time I was loved in return, in a way that was free of loyalties and hero worship. For a little while I had been loved for just being me. The foolishly brave Gryffindor who had been thrust into a battle I had never wanted to take part in just like all the other times.

In the end that is what ruined me, I had love and like all the good things in my life before the war ended it was ripped from me.

…He was ripped from me. Everyone that could ever love me for just being Harry had been taken and there was no way to get them back.

… I love Cedric Diggory and I always will… that's why I grieve for him in such a deep way that the others can't understand. It sounds worn out and pathetic, but it's hard to be a hero. You watch everyone you care about in danger and hurting. You wonder if you'll be able to stop it… and if you fail… what will happen? Who will love you then? He was my sanity in a world that refused to let me have my own peace.

I love Cedric and I await the day when I can see him again with open arms.

He was my reason pain. He was my reason for love. He was my reason for life.

And he _is_ my reason for grief.


End file.
